In 1971, Spanish writer/director Armando de Ossorio made a movie called La Noche del Terror Ciego (The Night of Blind Terror), known in the US as The Blind Dead, Mark of the Devil, Part 4: Tombs of the Blind Dead (which was a neat trick, as this isn't a sequel to anything, as far as I can tell) and Revenge from Planet Ape (a recut version, which must've been inspired by an acid trip considering the movie has nothing to do with apes or planets). The movie dealt with undead Templar Knights, and while it was slow and a bit plodding, it was rather atmospheric and the rising of the undead, eyeless Templars (the "Blind Dead") is one of the creepier scenes that you can find on film. I mention this because de Ossorio's "Blind Dead" films are the ones that most people are familiar with, and the first of these is rather good.
Then, in 1973, de Ossorio made the topic of today's review, Night of the Sorcerers (La Noche de los Brujos). A movie that is also slow and a bit plodding. Unlike The Blind Dead, however, it is not particularly atmospheric nor does it have any scenes that are memorably creepy. It is, however, rather ridiculous. The movie takes place in deepest, darkest Africa (or a set that's standing in for it) and starts in the past (maybe the 1910s? earlier? later?) with a Caucasian woman is about to be the sacrifice in some sort of ritual. First, she's tied between two trees, then whipped naked (I'm no expert in African rituals, but are whips a usual part of them?), after which she's wrapped in a leopard-skin blanket or something and laid down on an altar as the savage African... er... tribe? cult? group of actors? dance around while a topless woman keeps raising a machete (there's a genuine native weapon) and lowering it as if she's about to chop the sacrifice's head off. In the meantime, a troop of British riflemen are on their way to rescue the woman. However, before they arrive, the ritual comes to a climax and the woman's head is lopped off. The natives go wild and drink the blood that flows from the stump. At that time, the British riflemen show up and shoot the natives (great timing, guys), at which point the severed head turns itself right-side up and starts to scream, showing a mouth that now has two large fangs in it. By the way, none of this is nearly as gory or disturbing as I might have made it out to be.
That's when we cut to the main plot, which takes place in "the present" (or 1973, at least). We meet our five main characters, who are on... er... some sort of expedition where they're going to look in on possibly endangered species and take pictures (I think). I didn't bother to catch the name of most of these characters, but we have the professor that is leading the expedition (his defining feature is probably his cheesy mustache); the blond bitchy female, whose father is funding this expedition (I think); the blond not-bitchy female, who is the photographer and a friend of the bitchy one; the red-haired 'half-breed' woman (who I wouldn't know was a half-breed if they didn't say so, unless half-breed means "Spanish actress with red hair), who is our heroine. She's also insanely jealous and is romantically involved with our hero, the guide/bodyguard. He's the one whose name I did manage to remember... Rod Carter. He happens to look like a guy whose name should be Rod Carter in that he looks like he might be an actor in a porno (which we'll soon find out is rather appropriate)
Let me tell you about Rod and our psycho red-haired heroine. Our heroine spends all of the movie, it seems, being insanely jealous that Rod will sleep with one of the blonds as soon as her head is turned. There's danger and she wants to leave? She won't leave without Rod because she's sure that he'll be seduced away from her the moment she's gone, not because she's brave or wants to help anyone out. As for Rod... well, if you paid him to guide you through the jungle and keep you safe, you deserve everything you get.
Our *cough* intrepid explorers are first introduced when they stop to camp for the day. They meet... what I think is a travelling merchant of some sort. He warns them about the cursed area nearby (it's where the ritual we saw at he beginning of the movie took place) and how it's dangerous on the nights of the full moon (the first of which JUST SO HAPPENS to be that night), and he warns them about something called the Devil Leopard Women. His main function in the movie seems to be exposition, after which he wanders off, only to pop up later when more exposition is needed and for one other scene where he attempts to rape the heroine before being stabbed by her (the importance of this scene ranks slightly below the importance of lint).
Okay, moving on, the first night in camp begins with Rod on guard duty. Our heroine approaches him and they wind up having sex. While this is going on, the blond not-bitchy female (aka, the photographer) has decided to sneak off into the jungle to find the sight Exposition Man spoke about to take some pictures... or something. She finds the spot and watches as dry-ice fog starts to come from the cairns there. The rocks on the cairns begin to fall away and the zombified natives rise. This scene is actually not badly done and is somewhat reminiscent of the scenes of the Blind Dead rising in de Ossorio's earlier film, but it's not as good. Anyway, they get up, she snaps a few pictures with her "infrared" film, then turns to leave only to be confronted by... the beheaded woman from the opening scene who is now a Devil Leopard Woman! This means that she's now wearing a leopard-skin bikini, boots and a cute little cape(!), and has fangs and big hair. Ooo, scary! Anyway, the blond not-bitchy woman is grabbed by the zombies and the Devil Leopard Woman gets to do the whipping this time, after which she bites the not-bitchy one's neck and then the ritual is carried out like it was in the first scene.
The next morning, the bitchy-one realizes that her friend is missing, but our hero explains that he never saw her leave the camp (probably because he was too busy getting laid). A search is mounted for the not-bitchy one, at which point Exposition Man shows up to help out. The not-bitchy one's camera is found, but there's no sign of her. The now party-of-four decides to stay another night in case the not-bitchy one comes back. The Professor goes to develop the film from the camera while Rod is to stand guard. Rod is instead convinced to have sex with our heroine again, but inside of her tent this time. The bitchy one, in the meantime, takes a few sleeping pills in order to sleep. It's at this point that the Devil Leopard Woman and the not-bitchy one (who is also a Devil Leopard Woman now) show up on the scene. The original Devil Leopard Woman (DLW from now on as I'm tired of typing that out) kills the Professor while the not-bitchy one lures her friend (who is groggy from the pills) into the jungle, where she's bitten by the two DLWs.
We then cut to morning, where Rod finally discovers that the Professor is dead and the bitchy-one is gone. Remember what I said about Rod belonging in a porno? Well, considering that the only thing he did once he was paid was sleep with the heroine, he certainly isn't cut out to be a guide/guard. In two nights, he's managed to get laid twice while allowing one woman to leave camp without being seen, one man to be murdered in a tent and another woman to be lured into the jungle. Good job, Rod!
The rest of the movie involves Rod wandering into the jungle at night, while our heroine kills Exposition Man after he tries to rape her, running into the jungle where she's chased by the now THREE DLWs, being captured, placed on the altar where she's to be sacraficed, then having Rod save her JUST IN TIME, but not before she's bitten by one of the DLWs. We'll see that she has fangs of her own at the end. Maybe it's just me, but I always thought the hero of a movie should be able to actually, you know... SAVE SOMEONE! Good job, Rod.
So... if you're looking for an atmospheric, creepy film, this isn't it. If you're looking for a film that has quite a few ludicrous elements, however, this one will definitely qualify.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Review: Mask of the Betrayer (2007)
First, an apology to the legion of readers of my blog (all 2 of you) for not updating more often. I've been pretty busy lately and haven't had the energy to update the blog. I'm going to try and do better, so expect me to update for a few weeks and then come up with another good excuse as I don't update for a month.
Unlike most of my reviews, the subject of this one isn't a movie. It's the single-player campaign of a computer roleplaying game based on Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 edition rules and set in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting. Er... most of that might not make sense to someone that's completely unfamiliar with Dungeons & Dragons, so let's just say that it's set in a fantasy world and leave it at that.
Mask of the Betrayer (MotB) is an expansion to Neverwinter Nights 2 (NWN2), and picks up shortly after NWN2 ends (or at least after the ending that's considered to be the 'official' one). At the end of NWN2, the hero and his party were trying to escape a collapsing underground complex after defeating the main villain of that particular story. When MotB begins, the hero awakens in a dark cavern of some sort, and he finds that the silver shard that had been embedded in his chest since he was an infant (the result of a battle that took place between two forces in his homeland) is gone and that a strange hunger has taken its place. As the story unfolds, the hero learns that he is very far away from home, and that he has been thrust into a situation that involves an ancient curse, a now-dead god, and an ancient betrayal that was all prompted by love. And I'll leave it at that, as far as the story goes, as I'm not going to give any spoilers.
So how is the game? In a word, excellent. It definitely has flaws, but these are mostly technical. You'll find yourself constantly re-adjusting the camera to see the screen as walls, objects, etc, obstruct your view of the action, for one. For another, the AI for your party is better than it was in NWN2, but it's still not as good as it should be. These are easy to overlook, though, in the face of what the game does right.
First of all, the characters that can join your party are very well done, and all are a bit unusual (in this way, MotB might remind those that have played Planescape: Torment of that game). They include a bear spirit, a handsome hagspawn that walks in dreams, a half-celestial that turned her back on her family, and a Red Wizard of Thay (you'd have to be familiar with Forgotten Realms to know what those are) that is definitely NOT represenatitve of that group. There's one more, I believe, but I didn't do what was necessary to aquire him. Each of these companions has their own personalities and rather deep backgrounds.
The game story is also very good. Unlike NWN2's official campaign, MotB isn't about saving the world, or even saving a small piece of it. It's about saving yourself, although it isn't really that simple (or necessarily that selfish). As I said before, I don't want to provide any real spoilers, so I won't elaborate on the story. Just trust me that it isn't the usual, generic "save the world" (or destroy it, if you're feeling evil) story.
So now the question remains... do I recommend this game? Well, if you're looking for an action game with tons of hack and slash, then no. This game has a great deal of dialogue, some of it is voiced, some of it isn't. You'll probably spend more time talking to other characters or trying to solve puzzles than you will fighting. However, if you want a game that has interesting characters and a great story, you'll probably like it.
One word of warning, however. There's one aspect of MotB that's apparently a "like it or hate it" feature. It's called the "spirit meter", and it plays a major role in the game. Without spoiling things, I'll just say that it has a significant impact on your character and how often you can rest, and gives a sense of urgency to things. Personally, I thought it was a great touch. However, from what I've seen online, quite a few people hate it, too.
Unlike most of my reviews, the subject of this one isn't a movie. It's the single-player campaign of a computer roleplaying game based on Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 edition rules and set in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting. Er... most of that might not make sense to someone that's completely unfamiliar with Dungeons & Dragons, so let's just say that it's set in a fantasy world and leave it at that.
Mask of the Betrayer (MotB) is an expansion to Neverwinter Nights 2 (NWN2), and picks up shortly after NWN2 ends (or at least after the ending that's considered to be the 'official' one). At the end of NWN2, the hero and his party were trying to escape a collapsing underground complex after defeating the main villain of that particular story. When MotB begins, the hero awakens in a dark cavern of some sort, and he finds that the silver shard that had been embedded in his chest since he was an infant (the result of a battle that took place between two forces in his homeland) is gone and that a strange hunger has taken its place. As the story unfolds, the hero learns that he is very far away from home, and that he has been thrust into a situation that involves an ancient curse, a now-dead god, and an ancient betrayal that was all prompted by love. And I'll leave it at that, as far as the story goes, as I'm not going to give any spoilers.
So how is the game? In a word, excellent. It definitely has flaws, but these are mostly technical. You'll find yourself constantly re-adjusting the camera to see the screen as walls, objects, etc, obstruct your view of the action, for one. For another, the AI for your party is better than it was in NWN2, but it's still not as good as it should be. These are easy to overlook, though, in the face of what the game does right.
First of all, the characters that can join your party are very well done, and all are a bit unusual (in this way, MotB might remind those that have played Planescape: Torment of that game). They include a bear spirit, a handsome hagspawn that walks in dreams, a half-celestial that turned her back on her family, and a Red Wizard of Thay (you'd have to be familiar with Forgotten Realms to know what those are) that is definitely NOT represenatitve of that group. There's one more, I believe, but I didn't do what was necessary to aquire him. Each of these companions has their own personalities and rather deep backgrounds.
The game story is also very good. Unlike NWN2's official campaign, MotB isn't about saving the world, or even saving a small piece of it. It's about saving yourself, although it isn't really that simple (or necessarily that selfish). As I said before, I don't want to provide any real spoilers, so I won't elaborate on the story. Just trust me that it isn't the usual, generic "save the world" (or destroy it, if you're feeling evil) story.
So now the question remains... do I recommend this game? Well, if you're looking for an action game with tons of hack and slash, then no. This game has a great deal of dialogue, some of it is voiced, some of it isn't. You'll probably spend more time talking to other characters or trying to solve puzzles than you will fighting. However, if you want a game that has interesting characters and a great story, you'll probably like it.
One word of warning, however. There's one aspect of MotB that's apparently a "like it or hate it" feature. It's called the "spirit meter", and it plays a major role in the game. Without spoiling things, I'll just say that it has a significant impact on your character and how often you can rest, and gives a sense of urgency to things. Personally, I thought it was a great touch. However, from what I've seen online, quite a few people hate it, too.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Review: Chasing Sleep (2000)
Several times in my life, I've gone for over 24 hours without sleep. Sometimes deliberate (especially during my college years) and sometimes not (insomnia). I'm sure that most people have at some point in their life, and I'm sure that quite a few have gone without sleep even longer than I have. For that reason, I imagine that everyone can relate to the way the world becomes just a bit off when you're deprived of the rest your mind needs. You're not quite as in control of yourself and your mind almost seems a bit numb. It's an odd feeling, and the longer you go without sleep, the less real things can seem. Or maybe it's just me and I'm off my rocker.
You'll notice I haven't said anything about the movie yet. Did I dislike it? No. Did I like it? ...eh.
Chasing Sleep starts off with the main character, Ed Saxon, laying in bed, not sleeping. He gets up and makes a phone call and we find out from his conversation that his wife hasn't come home yet, but that she should have been home several hours ago. Ed calls the police to report her missing. As things move along, we also learn that Ed has trouble sleeping. The movie focuses on Ed and never leaves the area of his house aside from a single flashback scene, and through the events that take place we learn more about Ed, his wife, their relationship together and what's become of her. I'm not going to spoil the movie, though, so that's as specific as I'll get with regards to the plot.
So why do I give the movie an "eh"? Well, the movie tries to be something more than a mystery. Since the movie focuses on Ed, it's hard to tell which events that we see are real and which aren't. Because Ed doesn't sleep, there are times that an event may be a waking dream, or Ed may have nodded off without realizing it and is dreaming. Basically, we can't tell if something that we see is really happening or if Ed just thinks it's happening. And we also can't tell what's off due to his screwed up perspective. For example, after Ed calls the police, they say they'll send someone over to take his statement (or something). Before Ed finishes hanging up the phone, headlights shine through his window as a car pulls up. It's the officer that's there to take his statement. It's impossible that the police arrived so fast, so did Ed blank out for a moment? It seems likely. There are other points where time seems to jump forward when it seems that only a few seconds pass. The movie does do a pretty good job of capturing the somewhat unreal feeling that a person who hasn't slept is experiencing, though.
The movie is also heavily into symbolism. We see water in this movie. A lot. Everyone seems to ask Ed for a drink of water. Ed's bathtub is clogged and fills up a bit as he showers. Ed's pipes seem to leak (See Ed find a damp spot on his wall from the leaky pipe, poke through it with this finger and then deliberately tear a huge hole in it! Who the hell would do that?!). Water water everywhere. What does it mean? Was the filmmaker all wet? (You may all groan now.) No, there is significance to the water (and I'll leave it at that).
The other thing that you keep seeing in this movie is people taking pills of one sort or another. The cop that comes to take the statement pops pills (aspirin, I think). Ed's constantly taking something to try to help him sleep. The police detective that's investigating the disappearance of Ed's wife takes something. What does all of THAT mean? Er... well, I'm not entirely sure (maybe I'm just dense with regards to that one).
So the story is okay. The pacing is actually quite good (the only thing that dragged was a sex scene, and even that wasn't purely gratuitous). The acting is fine. So what's not to like? Well, for some reason the movie just didn't quite do it for me. For one thing, it felt as if the director wasn't quite skilled enough to pull off the surrealism that he was shooting for. For another, the symbolism was a bit heavy-handed and could have been handled with a lighter touch. Having water in so many scenes is one thing, but focusing on it so directly seemed to be a mistake. And for some reason, the movie came across as pretentious. I can't explain exactly why, but I think it was because the director just wasn't skilled enough to make the sort of movie he was trying to.
So... do I recommend this movie? Sure, but be warned that you may not like it. It strikes me as a movie that some people will like a lot more than others. In a way, it's like the world is when you haven't gotten enough sleep: a bit off. That's appropriate, though, I suppose.
You'll notice I haven't said anything about the movie yet. Did I dislike it? No. Did I like it? ...eh.
Chasing Sleep starts off with the main character, Ed Saxon, laying in bed, not sleeping. He gets up and makes a phone call and we find out from his conversation that his wife hasn't come home yet, but that she should have been home several hours ago. Ed calls the police to report her missing. As things move along, we also learn that Ed has trouble sleeping. The movie focuses on Ed and never leaves the area of his house aside from a single flashback scene, and through the events that take place we learn more about Ed, his wife, their relationship together and what's become of her. I'm not going to spoil the movie, though, so that's as specific as I'll get with regards to the plot.
So why do I give the movie an "eh"? Well, the movie tries to be something more than a mystery. Since the movie focuses on Ed, it's hard to tell which events that we see are real and which aren't. Because Ed doesn't sleep, there are times that an event may be a waking dream, or Ed may have nodded off without realizing it and is dreaming. Basically, we can't tell if something that we see is really happening or if Ed just thinks it's happening. And we also can't tell what's off due to his screwed up perspective. For example, after Ed calls the police, they say they'll send someone over to take his statement (or something). Before Ed finishes hanging up the phone, headlights shine through his window as a car pulls up. It's the officer that's there to take his statement. It's impossible that the police arrived so fast, so did Ed blank out for a moment? It seems likely. There are other points where time seems to jump forward when it seems that only a few seconds pass. The movie does do a pretty good job of capturing the somewhat unreal feeling that a person who hasn't slept is experiencing, though.
The movie is also heavily into symbolism. We see water in this movie. A lot. Everyone seems to ask Ed for a drink of water. Ed's bathtub is clogged and fills up a bit as he showers. Ed's pipes seem to leak (See Ed find a damp spot on his wall from the leaky pipe, poke through it with this finger and then deliberately tear a huge hole in it! Who the hell would do that?!). Water water everywhere. What does it mean? Was the filmmaker all wet? (You may all groan now.) No, there is significance to the water (and I'll leave it at that).
The other thing that you keep seeing in this movie is people taking pills of one sort or another. The cop that comes to take the statement pops pills (aspirin, I think). Ed's constantly taking something to try to help him sleep. The police detective that's investigating the disappearance of Ed's wife takes something. What does all of THAT mean? Er... well, I'm not entirely sure (maybe I'm just dense with regards to that one).
So the story is okay. The pacing is actually quite good (the only thing that dragged was a sex scene, and even that wasn't purely gratuitous). The acting is fine. So what's not to like? Well, for some reason the movie just didn't quite do it for me. For one thing, it felt as if the director wasn't quite skilled enough to pull off the surrealism that he was shooting for. For another, the symbolism was a bit heavy-handed and could have been handled with a lighter touch. Having water in so many scenes is one thing, but focusing on it so directly seemed to be a mistake. And for some reason, the movie came across as pretentious. I can't explain exactly why, but I think it was because the director just wasn't skilled enough to make the sort of movie he was trying to.
So... do I recommend this movie? Sure, but be warned that you may not like it. It strikes me as a movie that some people will like a lot more than others. In a way, it's like the world is when you haven't gotten enough sleep: a bit off. That's appropriate, though, I suppose.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Review: Shichinin No Samurai (1954)
Better known as "Seven Samurai" (and proof that I do watch good movies, too), this is one of Akira Kurosawa's best known movies. Even if you haven't seen the movie itself, you've probably seen a variant of it. It was remade (quite well) as a Western in 1960 as "The Magnificent Seven", which is the movie most people are likely to have seen. It was also the basis for several other not-so-good movies (no, I haven't seen them all) including "Battle Beyond the Stars" (1980) and "I Sette Magnifici Gladiatori" ("The Seven Magnificent Gladiators") (1983), which are two that I have heard of, but haven't seen (or rather, I haven't seen "Battle Beyond the Stars" in so long that I don't remember it). The IMDB lists a total of eight remakes of this movie. The remakes have originated in Hong Kong, the US, the Phillipines (okay, that one was a joint US/Phililpines venture), Kazakhstan, India, Italy and Japan (a joint Japan/US release), so obviously the story fired the imaginations of people from many different cultures.
Why was it able to be remade in several different genres and different cultures? Because the basic plot is very simple. In "Sichinin No Samurai", a small Japanese farming village learns that bandits will be raiding them for their food once the harvest is over. After consulting with the Old Man of the village, they decide that the best solution is to try to hire a Samurai to defend them. Since they have no money, they need to find one that will work for food ("Find hungry samurai"). Once one is found, he considers the matter and decides that it will require at least a half-dozen in all to defend the village. He manages to recruit a somewhat diverse group of samurai, and they go to the village to scout things out, prepare the defenses (they make sure to leave only one easy direction for the bandits to attack) and attempt to train the villagers with weapons.
See what I mean about the basic plot being simple? All you need is a group of people (village) that are under threat by another group (bandits) against whom they have (or feel that they have) no defense. The people then seek out someone (samurai/gunslingers/gladiators) to do battle with this threat for them.
What's different is what's done with this basic plot. Kurosawa focused on the relations between the samurai (only 2 of whom knew each other prior to the events of the movie), between the samurai and the villagers, and between the villagers themselves. There are quite a few subplots running through the movie, all of which make for a good story. The bandits themselves have little identity beyond being bandits and a threat to the village and are almost secondary to the story.
So is this movie for everyone? Probably not. For one thing, it's long. Almost 3 1/2 hours long, in fact. The movie never seems to drag, though, so you probably won't mind the length. For another, the Japanese culture is quite different from the Western (Europe and the Americas) culture, so the behavior of the characters may seem a bit strange to some people (there's an awful lot of grovelling and wailing going on by some of the villagers). Lastly, it's in Japanese with subtitles. If there's an English (or any other language) dub of it out there, I'm not aware of it. Personally, I prefer watching a foreign film in its native language with the subtitles (the voices always seem off in dubbed movies), so I haven't looked to see if there's a dubbed version available on DVD. Oh, and it's also in black & white, which seems to bother some people.
Having said all that, do I recommend this movie? Hell yeah! It's a great movie, with great characters, a great story and it's beautifully filmed! I can't think of anything about this movie that I didn't like, and it's rare that I can say that. As long as you don't mind the length (you can always watch it in parts) or the subtitles, you should see this movie!
Why was it able to be remade in several different genres and different cultures? Because the basic plot is very simple. In "Sichinin No Samurai", a small Japanese farming village learns that bandits will be raiding them for their food once the harvest is over. After consulting with the Old Man of the village, they decide that the best solution is to try to hire a Samurai to defend them. Since they have no money, they need to find one that will work for food ("Find hungry samurai"). Once one is found, he considers the matter and decides that it will require at least a half-dozen in all to defend the village. He manages to recruit a somewhat diverse group of samurai, and they go to the village to scout things out, prepare the defenses (they make sure to leave only one easy direction for the bandits to attack) and attempt to train the villagers with weapons.
See what I mean about the basic plot being simple? All you need is a group of people (village) that are under threat by another group (bandits) against whom they have (or feel that they have) no defense. The people then seek out someone (samurai/gunslingers/gladiators) to do battle with this threat for them.
What's different is what's done with this basic plot. Kurosawa focused on the relations between the samurai (only 2 of whom knew each other prior to the events of the movie), between the samurai and the villagers, and between the villagers themselves. There are quite a few subplots running through the movie, all of which make for a good story. The bandits themselves have little identity beyond being bandits and a threat to the village and are almost secondary to the story.
So is this movie for everyone? Probably not. For one thing, it's long. Almost 3 1/2 hours long, in fact. The movie never seems to drag, though, so you probably won't mind the length. For another, the Japanese culture is quite different from the Western (Europe and the Americas) culture, so the behavior of the characters may seem a bit strange to some people (there's an awful lot of grovelling and wailing going on by some of the villagers). Lastly, it's in Japanese with subtitles. If there's an English (or any other language) dub of it out there, I'm not aware of it. Personally, I prefer watching a foreign film in its native language with the subtitles (the voices always seem off in dubbed movies), so I haven't looked to see if there's a dubbed version available on DVD. Oh, and it's also in black & white, which seems to bother some people.
Having said all that, do I recommend this movie? Hell yeah! It's a great movie, with great characters, a great story and it's beautifully filmed! I can't think of anything about this movie that I didn't like, and it's rare that I can say that. As long as you don't mind the length (you can always watch it in parts) or the subtitles, you should see this movie!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Review: Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998)
Yes, that really is a movie (or abomination, one of the two). A couple of years ago, I picked up a few boxed sets of DVDs that shared a common theme. One of these sets was titled "Bite Nite", and contained vampire-themed movies. I picked a DVD at random from it one night and wound up watching "Sorority House Vampires from Hell".
Plot synopsis? I can't do that. First, an internal self-defense mechanism in my brain is trying to blot out the memory of this movie. Secondly, it would have had to have a plot in order for me to summarize it.
Okay okay... As far as I can tell, we have a female vampire that was awakened by a person tripping over her grave. She needs to drink the blood from some number of people (seven, I think) in order to... uh... I have no idea. Become human? Become powerful? Get out of this movie? Something like that. The audio for this movie was horrible, and I was not about to re-watch any of it just to find out what her grand plan was. Meanwhile, we have three women that want to enter a sorority, which has its house in the middle of the woods (the hell?) in the same general area in which our vampire woke up. Also meanwhile, a male vampire has woken up in a basement. This movie is supposedly a comedy (I say supposedly because it never caused me to crack so much as a smile), and the male vampire is supposed to be additional comic relief. His scenes are not funny. They are painful. Very, very painful. I'd describe them, but I do not take joy in the pain of others. The scenes of the male vampire also do not intersect the main movie until the very end... sort of.
Let's see... what else? Well, the movie has a fair bit of female nudity in it. As a typical male, I can admit that I have nothing against female nudity. However, this movie sucked so hard that even that couldn't add anything to it. Adding nudity to this movie has as much effect as tossing spotlights into a black hole. In fact, adding anything to this movie is useless. The only way to improve this movie is by subtraction. If you were to cut about... oh... 86 minutes from this movie, you might have something more entertaining. On an unrelated note, the running time of this movie is 86 minutes.
How bad is this movie? Even the ending doesn't stop the pain... because it has THREE ENDINGS! As I felt relief that the movie was over near the end, it suddenly started running backwards, and then an alternate ending played (no, it wasn't any better than the first one). Then that one ran backwards and ANOTHER alternate ending played. I think that this was the ending in which the male vampire also appeared and intersected the main... er... 'plot'. At that point, I was starting to believe that I was the victim of a curse. It's as if this movie was the cursed video from Ringu or something... if the video killed you by sucking instead of through an angry spirit or something.
If anything that I have written above has convinced you to seek out this movie, then I have but three words for you: DON'T DO IT!!!! Seriously, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! This movie was so bad that I gave serious consideration to smashing the DVD after it ended. But "Blood Slaves of the Vampire Wolf" was on Side B. I don't know if it's any good or not, but it has to be better than "Sorority House Vampires from Hell" only because it can't be any worse.
Plot synopsis? I can't do that. First, an internal self-defense mechanism in my brain is trying to blot out the memory of this movie. Secondly, it would have had to have a plot in order for me to summarize it.
Okay okay... As far as I can tell, we have a female vampire that was awakened by a person tripping over her grave. She needs to drink the blood from some number of people (seven, I think) in order to... uh... I have no idea. Become human? Become powerful? Get out of this movie? Something like that. The audio for this movie was horrible, and I was not about to re-watch any of it just to find out what her grand plan was. Meanwhile, we have three women that want to enter a sorority, which has its house in the middle of the woods (the hell?) in the same general area in which our vampire woke up. Also meanwhile, a male vampire has woken up in a basement. This movie is supposedly a comedy (I say supposedly because it never caused me to crack so much as a smile), and the male vampire is supposed to be additional comic relief. His scenes are not funny. They are painful. Very, very painful. I'd describe them, but I do not take joy in the pain of others. The scenes of the male vampire also do not intersect the main movie until the very end... sort of.
Let's see... what else? Well, the movie has a fair bit of female nudity in it. As a typical male, I can admit that I have nothing against female nudity. However, this movie sucked so hard that even that couldn't add anything to it. Adding nudity to this movie has as much effect as tossing spotlights into a black hole. In fact, adding anything to this movie is useless. The only way to improve this movie is by subtraction. If you were to cut about... oh... 86 minutes from this movie, you might have something more entertaining. On an unrelated note, the running time of this movie is 86 minutes.
How bad is this movie? Even the ending doesn't stop the pain... because it has THREE ENDINGS! As I felt relief that the movie was over near the end, it suddenly started running backwards, and then an alternate ending played (no, it wasn't any better than the first one). Then that one ran backwards and ANOTHER alternate ending played. I think that this was the ending in which the male vampire also appeared and intersected the main... er... 'plot'. At that point, I was starting to believe that I was the victim of a curse. It's as if this movie was the cursed video from Ringu or something... if the video killed you by sucking instead of through an angry spirit or something.
If anything that I have written above has convinced you to seek out this movie, then I have but three words for you: DON'T DO IT!!!! Seriously, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! This movie was so bad that I gave serious consideration to smashing the DVD after it ended. But "Blood Slaves of the Vampire Wolf" was on Side B. I don't know if it's any good or not, but it has to be better than "Sorority House Vampires from Hell" only because it can't be any worse.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Welcome... or something
Why Schrodinger's Blog? Well, I suppose that as long as no one is reading this blog, it has an equal chance of both existing and not existing. Or rather, as long as no one is reading this blog, no one knows if I'm slacking off and not updating or not.
As for the blog itself, I expect to mostly give my thoughts on movies and books. Just... don't expect too many mini-reviews of new or major movies. Considering the fact that I'm more likely to have a movie like "Bloodsucking Pharoes in Pittsburgh" on my Netflix queue than I am "The Mummy Returns", well... you get the idea.
I'm sure that I'll occasionally have something to say about other topics, as well. I can be pretty hard to shut up when I have something I want to rant about!
Well, that about covers this very informative (or completely useless) first post!
As for the blog itself, I expect to mostly give my thoughts on movies and books. Just... don't expect too many mini-reviews of new or major movies. Considering the fact that I'm more likely to have a movie like "Bloodsucking Pharoes in Pittsburgh" on my Netflix queue than I am "The Mummy Returns", well... you get the idea.
I'm sure that I'll occasionally have something to say about other topics, as well. I can be pretty hard to shut up when I have something I want to rant about!
Well, that about covers this very informative (or completely useless) first post!
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